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Welcome to Orsm.net. Damn tootin'.
How goes it dudes? You all good? Upbeat? Happy? Inexplicably jubilant? Riding the Redbull train? Same same.
Feels more and more like the net is closing and at some point it's going to be bye-bye to Orsm.net for Aussies. Obviously I don't know for sure that Orsm will be filtered/blocked by the all-knowing overlords [read: federal governments] mandatory porn filter but knowing how these things go and how utterly retarded those behind this are, I would say Orsm is a good chance to disappear. And just in case you don't understand - ALL internet users in Australia will be filtered. No if's or but's.
What I find most ridiculous is that I've not spoken to one single person who thinks it a good idea. Where are you all? If you support having your internet filtered, without any way to opt out then 1) please email me to explain why and 2) kill yourself. If this really is all about protecting kids then parents should accept some responsibility and monitor what they are looking at online.
Okay let's talk about me and what I've been up to... this is after all called ORSM.net so it kind of makes sense right? Anyway this week you guys get a weekend rundown because I really can't be bothered trying to make everyone think I'm smart by delivering a riveting, well thought out social commentary. So...
Let's start with Sunday. With the sun shining it was time to hit the beach for the first time since the warm weather ended way back when. So off we went with dogs in tow for a couple of hours to lap it up. Damn good to get back on the sand and the occasional bikini didn't hurt either. Honestly it didn't...
It was 11am by the time I got home and time to attack the garden for an hour... or so I thought. What started as "I'll just quickly trim that" turned into an all out onslaught - man versus garden. Coincidentally something which was made all the more difficult by lack of suitable tools. That's not because I don't OWN any... no no... over the last few years I've acquired just about everything one could ever need. And then a few months ago some friends bought a house and have since ever so casually dropped by on weekends to 'borrow' just about all of it. From blower-vac to shovels to saws... you name it - all gone. Fuckers.
So I call... "Hi. Have you got all my tools?" "Yup... but we're not home so...". Fuckers. What I was left with was an extremely old, extremely rusted, extremely blunt hand saw that couldn't cut a melted shit but with no other options I muscled on and just about killed myself doing so. The best part though was right when I'd almost finished, right after all the hard shit was done, right when trees and branches the size of small countries had been felled, my next-door neighbour pokes his head over the fence and says "Hey do you want to borrow my chainsaw?"...
Eight hours later I was done - sunburnt, sore and tired but the result was all worth it and I'd killed literally dozens of spiders in the process... something I was particularly happy with because lately they'd invaded the area around my punching bag which I'd been avoiding using. And then after dark I went out there to admire my handy work only to find a huge spider had constructed an ever huger web to the bag. Sometimes you just can't win.
Okay that's enough of that. Enough waffling and filling a space. Time for some good, wholesome family entertainment. Check it...
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place 'for a coffee'. When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want" Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck so he says: "I really fancy a 69". "Fuck Off" she replies... "I'm not cooking at this time of night!"
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Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when I stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
ORSM
VIDEO
BONUS VIDS: Vader Patrol - Flipping Out - Pants Dude? - Don't Say It - Blabbering Bill - Nunchaku B-Ball
Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?" Louie says, "I played Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks!"
A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in accounting out on a date!"
The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow job I ever had!"
The co-worker says, "Man, you ARE frigging lucky!" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it... and I won another ten grand!"
| AUDREY BITONI HOTNESS |
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Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"
Angelina Jolie agreed, "I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder."
Brad Pitt said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed."
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the framed talking mirror on the wall to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina was the most gorgeous and Brad was the sexiest.
They all agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well it's true. The mirror told me I'm the strongest man in the world." Angelina perked up and said, "And I know for sure I'm the most gorgeous!" But Brad, poor Brad, tear running down his face, lifted his sad face and said "Who the hell is Mr. Orsm?!?"
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!"
| SMOOCHY SMOOCHY |
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Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulphur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico
Peace out, Blue States.
| SEMA SHOW 2008 |
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READER MAIL
For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.
Paul wrote:
Subject: Re: CODE OF THE GAY item 7
You forgot the gear shifter. Men that choose a Porsche with a Tiptronic automatic or a Corvette with an automatic are flaming queers. |
Tommy wrote:
Subject: a correction to 'JAPAN C-R-A-Z-Y'
long time reader - first time submiter. the attached pic is actually located in portland, or not in japan. as a matter of fact, my office is right across the street from the chinese resturaunt that has the sign. |
Mac wrote:
Subject: Welfare
The first Aboriginal with a sense of humour the corner of Karrinyup and mains st Perth
Another Kevin Rudd supporter obviously. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex cunt
long time page explorer. hes a quick vid and pic of my ex wife. who decided to live in a video game other then real life. she ran off with a night elf lmao. hide my details please.
Haven't we all wanted to run off with an elf though? -Orsm
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c&k wrote:
Subject: RCMP
This picture was taken from the air above a rather large, outdoor, marijuana grow-op. The cops, RCMP, had to wait for a helicopter to come pick them up so they figured they would let the growers know who picked their plants for them. They reported over 3000 plants! This was in a mountainous area east of Vernon B.C. Canada. Nobody got busted for it though. |
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gigzy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
hi one of your loyal veiwers check this add in on of the poster put out in a rural indian village. after reading this i started laughing then also forgot my own spelling hahahaha. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Australia, your chicken is ready!
Hey Orsm, Long time viewer, first time sender. Noticed this whilst down at my local shops. Keep up the great work! Please hide my details. |
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Paul wrote:
Subject: photo
Hi Mr ORSM. I took these photos recently in an upmarket restaurant in Shanghai. Thought the sign might be worth a run in random shite. |
Jason wrote:
Subject: Hang
Long time viewer first time writer! Your site is da shiznit! na mean son! Sorry for the ebonics but with Obama getting the go ahead as Prez I thought it only appropriate. I live in western Pennsylvania (Go Steelers!) and I'm a union bricklayer so Obama was the candidate pushed upon me. While reading through my local newspaper I came across a picture accompanying an article about how Obama supporters were out in full force!... maybe not all of them... looks like one of them had a different agenda! Funny as hell! Post my info or don't! Thanks for the KICK ASS site! |
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V wrote:
Subject: Weirdo
Find the Weirdo... it takes a while... but look closely
Subtle but effective. -Orsm
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Ross wrote:
Subject: BBQ covers require maintenance...or else
So im using my bbq this weekend... so i thought ill clean it up..i have known there were bee's coming from under the cover so i thought i'd kill them, obviously... |
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pj wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Who's up for some baseball?
Umm... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Out for a swim
Caught 1 1/2 miles offshore off the coast of Richards Bay while fishing! |
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Vascular Blues
This is what happens when you dedicate your life to working nightshift for australia post and forget the most important things in life like looking after yourself. I thought i just had a rash until it ulcerated. I have 5 blood clots in my leg which caused what they call venus eczema. during the ulceration i had a tea towel under my foot for 2 weeks as the pus never stopped until the antibiotics kicked in. Now i have to have a operation with 5 weeks off work. Thanks for the orsm site ive been with it since the first month love it. |
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Yok wrote:
Subject: Crack whole
She was in a casino showing a lot of crack. More than any plumber could show.
Turns out copious bum crack is okay if the chick is hot. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hummer Wagon
Orsm first time emailer, long time wanker. thnaks for all ya help over the years. check attached pics........... kinda looks not to bad what ya reckon. cheers bro. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend Pics...
Pictures of my ex. Looking back I'm fucking disgusted, but hey! And she wasn't a bad fuck, when she actually gave it up! Hold on my details please!!!
Have seen WAY worse. -Orsm
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Karratha Pizza wrote:
Subject: Gunfight Rules!
One for the "lads" of our modern 2008 Army! Almost believable ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? |
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John wrote:
Subject: Chappy the singing dancing abo
Ahhhh i love the NT !!!!!! MOVE TO THE NT WE HAVE ABO'S
If you laughed you're going straight to hell... see you there! -Orsm |
ORSM
VIDEO
Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Michelle added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy!"
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy!"
| GLAM LEZ |
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for THREE weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well miss, from what I just saw, I'll catch you next year!"
| WEDGIE!!! |
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George meets his best friend Michael in the street and is very excited. Asked why, George tells Michael that he has heard of a brilliant new brothel.
"Why is it brilliant?" asks Michael. George says, "Well you go in there at 9am, have all the sex you can handle until 12:30, stop for a 3 course lunch, and have all the sex you can cope with until 4.30pm. Then you have chocolate cake and coffee and just as you leave they give you $500 in your hand!"
"Jesus!" says Michael. "Where is this place?" George says "I don't know, but I'll ask my wife tonight when she comes home."
ORSM
VIDEO
And just like that it's all over for another seven days. But first...
- Check out the site archives. While you still can.
- Next update will be next Thursday. If you haven't worked that shit out by now there is something VERY wrong with you.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will say some potentially hurtful things about you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and congrats Uni Bar [you couldn't have done it without me!]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
