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Welcome to Orsm.net. Want.
What's the haps, fuckas? You all good? Me... not too bad and mystified that this is update number FIVE for 2008. Err... January? What the fuck, dude? How can this be and how can you be over so quickly?
Honestly how good is eBay. Years upon years upon YEARS of painful procrastination, umm'ing and ahh'ing, justifying for and against, finally ended there last Thursday in a blaze of 'ask seller a question' and 'buy it now' action. What the fuck is this dickhead talking about you may wonder? MY shiny new Vaio is what!
Even since before I got my first PC [back in 99] I've wanted to become part of the ultra cool, hip and happening, much revered, mobile computing crowd but never quite talked myself into it. I spend 95% of my life in from of the computer, work from home and just didn't really have the use but being locked in the same damn room day in, day out takes its toll.
With that in mind let me tell you - finally having the option to sit outside, sun setting, typing away whilst getting eaten by mosquito's and watching the dog chase crows that are trying to steal her bones is truly fucking magic.
Anyway moving on. The weekend... good and bad. I'll leave the bad out.
Saturday was Australia Day which, for the uninformed, celebrates European settlement of Australia. For most people it's a chance to have a huge piss up, play some backyard cricket and if you don't mind a few hours of gridlocked traffic, a huge fireworks sky show over the river in the city. I wasn't into it this year... just wasn't too fazed abut the whole thing so as un-Australian as it makes me, I stuck close to home and tackled the mountain of papers that covered my desk. As for the sky show... 11pm replay is just as good and there's no risk of being bashed in a park by drunken retards!
I must have shit the bed Sunday because I was up at dawns crack. Take a guess what I did? If you said 'beach with dog' then you are 100% fucking correct because that's what we do EVERY Sunday. And why is that? Because dog has somehow figured out how to read a calendar and the harassment to take her there starts from the moment I open my eyes. Smart little bitch.
Monday was the day off although not technically a public holiday because Australia Day fell on the Saturday. I don't care what they call it - a day off is a day off so I made the most of it hanging out with friends which led to a mates birthday BBQ that night. A few beers, some socialising, shit talking and bloody good time. You can't beat days like that which beckons the age old question - why can't every weekend be a long weekend? Okay sure smart-arse, 'shit wouldn't get done' but I haven't woken up so well rested for months, maybe years, as I did Tuesday. Bring on Labour Day.
There was some criticism of last weeks update. A couple of naysayer's suggested it wasn't up to my usual standards but I say to them and to you all - you try getting it right every week! THAT SAID I'm confident that THIS WEEK is going to be the best fucking update anyone has ever seen EVER. If not, I guarantee your money back... wait... ohhh... this site is free so SIT DOWN, STFU and ENJOY THE UPDATE! I love you. Check it...
As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
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did I mention it's all free too? Check
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I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Mirta Strips - If You Build It - Pillow Fight - Cleavage - Hard'n'Fast - Mega Jugs - Wet T Contest - Columbian Pussy
Trekkie Sex - Fatty BoomBa - Asian Boobies - Germs & You - Fucking Insane - Hidden Cam Porn - Big Booty
Candle Head - Carmens Bits - Dance Off - Oh Deer - Brits Tits - Avril Bikini - Drunken - Skirting - What A Lightweight
Three men go into a hotel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30 so each man paid $10 and toddled off to the room. A while later the man behind the desk realised he'd overcharged for the room - was only supposed to be $25 so he sent the bellboy to refund the $5.
On the way the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between three men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself. This means that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a Total of $27 add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29. Where is the other dollar?
| BRITTNEY SKYE |
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WORLD SEX RECORDS
1. The most ejaculatory orgasms ever recorded in 1 hour for a man is 16.
2. The farthest a woman has been recorded to ejaculate is about 9'29" (3 metres)
3. The greatest distance attained for a jet of semen that has ever been recorded is 18'9" (5.71 metres) which was achieved with a "substantial" amount of seminal fluid by Horst Schultz.
4. The average speed of a man's ejaculation is 28 miles (45.05kmh). The average speed of a city bus is 25 miles (40.22 km).
5. Having swallowed the most amount of semen ever officially recorded Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints (0.96 litres) of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
6. The female gangbang world record is owned by a woman named Houston who had intercourse with 620 men in one day! A video was made of this historic event. As it took about 10 hours (with a few very brief breaks) to do it, the average time of intercourse was less than 58 seconds.
7. Women hold the record for having the most orgasms. The biggest amount of orgasms enjoyed by a woman in 1 hour ever recorded is a pussy shattering 134!
8. The male gangbang world record goes to porn actor Jon Dough who worked himself over 55 women in one day. He had 5 to 6 ejaculations. Actually, he was supposed to have had intercourse with at least 101 women, but he did the other 46 two weeks later.
9. The record of the man who has had intercourse the most frequently goes to a man who was recorded to have had intercourse about 52,000 times over a period of 30 years. This means he had intercourse on average 33.3 times a week!
10. Youngest Father - Sean Stewart, of Sharnbrook, England, became the father of a healthy 6 lb. baby boy on January 20, 1998, at age 12.
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope," replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says, "Nope." "'You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Fine," his father said. "Stand in the corner, but keep quiet."
| HOW MUCH DO YOU SPEND? |
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN IF...
01. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
02. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
03. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something legal such as watering the garden.
04. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
05. You understand that "a group of women wearing black thongs" isn't as dirty as it sounds.
06. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
07. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
08. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
09. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
10. You call your best friend "a total cunt" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
11. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
12. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
13. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they become Kiwis again.
14. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
15. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.
16. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
17. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
18. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
19. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
20. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
21. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
22. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
23. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
24. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
25. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
26. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
27. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
28. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
29. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
30. You check Orsm.net religiously every Friday morning!
| MEGA MULLETS |
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READER MAIL
On we go with the behemoth backlog which has crippled my email inbox. I've even brought back to Overflow to post a whole bunch of email from late last year which I completely forgot about. Ooops... sorry dudes. You can find the new Overflow here.
If you would like to submit something to RM then that would be better than busting one into an 18 year old virgin with huge cans and a shaven fagina. Seriously it would. Think about it.. All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.
Crooked Crew wrote:
Subject: Summernats
G'day mate... Thought you might enjoy our video from the recent Summernats 21 in Canberra. It was slapped together fast and the footage is random and rowdy, but most seem to enjoy watching us get kicked out with all guns blazing if you feel my drift J In ending I must say, go the rotors, f**k security and someone please get me another Jack Daniels slushy. Long time fan of your site dude. Keep up the great Aussie work! |
Terry wrote:
Subject: Now this is a "fish story"
Now this is a "fish story" and another reason I NEVER swim in the LAKE!!!! Big Fish !! This Sturgeon was caught on the Black River at South Haven Michigan last week. It weighed out at over 1,000 lbs and measured out at 11'1". It was 56" around the girth and took over 6 and a half hours and 4 dozen beers for the 4 guys taking turns reeling. |
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fredfirpo wrote:
Subject: Priceless
I saw this pick up truck yesterday, at a fishing show in San Mateo, CA. Guess the guy had a priceless experience with Allstate Insurance Company. Thought I'd share. |
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marc wrote:
Subject: Spotted today at Carousel carpark hahaha
THATS HOW WE ROLL! SOR straight ghetto... Pls dont publish my email thnx
Hah... southies. -Orsm
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E wrote:
Subject: pic
Hi Orsm, you still got the best site on the web! Keep up the good work. Thought you might like this pic of my handprint on my ex-girlfriend's arse! Cheers. |
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linda wrote:
Subject: Job Opening... Read details first.
JOB DESCRIPTION: Horse Ride Assisstant. JOB LOCATION: Beach in Cancun. SALARY: $5/week. PEOPLE NEEDED: 3. APPLICANTS (so far): 6,437,943 |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: number plate
Love the site, been visiting every week for a couple of years now... if you ever want any small design work done for your site, obviously for free… don't hesitate to email me back.. Spotted this in Melbourne... |
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Dead resto'd XY GT
This has gotta hurt.........hope he had a cover note!!!! I got this in an email, apparently the car had just undergone a $95,000 restoration, and it was crashed on the way home by the owner - ouch! I wonder if its true tho? would like to hear from someone to verify if its true. regards |
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mike wrote:
Subject: Special Deer
This was shot north of Fryburg, ND opening day. The lady had been watching the pair this fall, on opening morning she spied the one buck but his head was down dragging something. He later threw his head in the air and she noticed the second buck locked on the horns. She waited till season open at 11:00 am MT (they obviously weren't going any where very fast) and she shot. Game warden was called and a special permit was given for the other buck (which was dead, but still warm). |
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George wrote:
Subject: health services
Next time you complain about your National Health Services you should try it Trinidad Style |
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Td Td wrote:
Subject: naughty pics
Here are 3 photos of a girl I met on line here in London. We fucked I took the photos and then left just the sort of relationship I like. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of my ex....
Hey ORSM, I've been a fan for years but never had anything to submit, until now. Here's some pics of my ex-girlfriend. She was a cheating whore so I figured I would help her with her endeavors to expose herself to as many people as possible. |
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legions wrote:
Subject: Pakistan ? Crapistan !
Hey bro Orsm. Have been a reader / visitor since years now. Thought i should contribute something about my visit to this Pakistan-Crapistan. Keep the great stuff going. |
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Alex wrote:
Subject: RattleSnakeBite (GraphicPics) pretty gruesome
Story (please read before looking at pictures ) On July 21 , just after my 13th birthday, I was bitten by a Northern Pacific rattlesnake (the snake was originally identified as a Western Diamondback rattlesnake... [continues]
Fucking horrific. -Orsm |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of it.
This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.
A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
| SAMMY CRUZ |
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An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't too well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you're dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone".
RANDOM SHITE
Absolutely no surprises in RS this week. All clean, prim and proper. Also, Santa is real, I have a tiny penis and the US isn't heading into a recession. Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A FATHERS RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER
RULE ONE
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
RULE FOUR
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway.
RULE SIX
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
RULE SEVEN
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better.
RULE NINE
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me.
RULE TEN
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.
| WORLDS BIGGEST POOL - SAN ALFONSO DEL MAR |
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A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am, went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep. Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just making love." "Oh my God", his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while!"
Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom. "Why didn't you say something!", she asked her mother. "I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed, "and I wasn't about to start now!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that's another bad boy update cooked. I hope you enjoyed chowing down on it as much as I did baking it. Oh and that was a metaphor by the way - you can't really eat an update...
- Check out the site archives. Because Ray said so.
- Spread the ORSM-DOT-NET word and I'll get my friend Ray to do that thing with his tongue. I'm not too sure what it is but I've got heaps of gay mates who've experienced it and they all reckon its fucking great.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Jamie. We hadn't seen each other for a few years but I will miss you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
