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Welcome to Orsmnet. Where
will you be?
Ah yes here we are again. Another
Orsm update! I think I'll start this update the way I start pretty
much all the other ones and delight you [read: bore you] with tales
of the last week or so and my life in general.
I'll begin with last Saturday
because it ended up being quite a highlight. Why you may ask? Because
we finished the carport roof! Okay so maybe in the grand scheme
of things it's just a few pieces of steel screwed together in such
a way that it provides cover but after having actually built it
with my own hands [and assistance of family and friends] there is
the feeling of reward you get upon seeing it finished. I figure
I should lap it up now because at some point I'll forget what went
into it and just see it as my parking spot...
I finished up mid afternoon,
showered and then parked it on the couch for a few hours watching
a DVD... a position I fully intended on maintaining for the duration
of the day but was enticed away by the offer of beer and socialising
with friends for the evening. How could anyone refuse that?
I don't know what it is with
Sundays lately. No matter what I do the previous day I tend to wake
up energised and ready to get moving regardless of having anything
planned or not. Come to think of it I was supposed to do a family
breakfast thing at some restaurant for mother dearest's birthday
but as I practically never eat brekky anyway I decided to flag it
and head for the dog beach instead. Turned out to be a good call
too - perfect weather and eye candy everywhere.
I kind of fudged the rest of
the day. I was supposed to swing past a friends place and say bon
voyage before said friend departed the country for the next couple
of years but managed to get sidetracked with gardening and car washing.
Does that make me a bad person? Maybe... but at least I have a clean
car...
I started this week off in a
non-specific foul mood and spent most of Monday hoping someone within
arms reach would piss me off so I could attack them. Admittedly
this is no easy feat when you live by yourself so I settled for
bottling it deep within...
That nite was dinner to make
up for Sundays breakfast a few of us had missed. Meal was pretty
decent but there is just something that bugs the shit out of me
about restaurants that require you to pay as you go. Want a steak?
Pay now. Beer? Pay now. I didn't get as far as finding out why they
do it but I assume it's somewhere between people doing runners and
others only having to pay for exactly what they ate if there's a
large group. Now that I think about it that's probably exactly why...
The rest of this week has just
been like any other with the exception of the rampant Ben Cousins
coverage in the media. Most of you are probably scratching your
heads wondering who the fuck that is when he's not asleep but long
story short he was the captain of the West Coast Eagles Football
Club who resigned in 'disgrace' this week after fleeing his vehicle
when he realised a Police Booze Bus was ahead. The whole thing has
been the source of countless emails doing the rounds which you can
find here.
This weekend... I don't
have all that much planned except levelling off the sand in the
carport in preparation for the concrete pad and car hunting with
my sister for something that is 'cheap, newish, cheap, reliable,
cheap, a five door, cheap, automatic, economical and cheap'. Should
be easy!
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com
has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured
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engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if
they use her free
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Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com
teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention
it's all free too? Check
it now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Tara
Reid Fucking - Doctor
Boobs - Rate
My Pix! - I Was Bored
- You
Wanna What!? - Polizia
- Freaky
Fisting
Angelina
Topless - War
Bears - David
Spade - You
Suck! - Amateur
Gurl - Melons For Sale
- Jiggly
Butt - HardBody
The Eagles have now helped solve
parking problems at Subiaco - park at Applecross and run to the
game.
--
I hear that Ben Cousins has already chosen his song for the Players
Review this year... "A doo run run run I do run run".
--
In order to stop Ben Cousins kicking goals, St Kilda will unveil
their new back man in Round 1 - Constable Care.
--
I hear that Ben Cousins has changed his footy jumper number for
2006, it is now .08.
--
The AFL are concerned about the smooth running of the tribunal system
this year as it seems Eagles players will take around 5 days before
they face up to their misdemeanours.
--
The Eagles are not concerned about losing any sponsorship revenue
over the Cousins incident as they are likely to pick up VB as a
new sponsor.
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A South African rugby fan, an Australian rugby
fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled
crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest
them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi
Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming
the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help
of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their
sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national
holiday the day their trial finished and the extremely benevolent
Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes
each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the
Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today and
she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The South African fan was first in line, he thought
for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip
went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried
away bleeding and crying with pain.
The New Zealander was next up. After watching
the South African in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two
pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15
lashes before the whip went through again and the New Zealander
was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Australian was the last one up but before
he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You
are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is
one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!".
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful
highness", the Australian replied. "In recognition of
your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 but 100
lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome
and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheikh said
with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you
desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?"
the Sheikh asked. "Tie the Kiwi to my back..."
NOT
GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY
YOU GET OFF FOREVER!
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at
a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was
no shortage of extremely young, Idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She
said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious Man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am,"
the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of
action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up
a conversation, said, "You Know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at
her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know,
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time
you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied,
"1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really
need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean,
no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room
where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, and
panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said
in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
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READER MAIL
Reader mail has been brimming with
wonders from the world over this week and it was no easy task to
sort through hundreds, if not thousands of emails in the vein attempt
to whittle them all down to just a handful. It sucks to be me I
guess.
Anyway if you would like to contribute
and have your naked pictures, hilarious jokes, funny vids or pretty
much anything else featured on the site then you should feel welcome
to drop me a line here. On with the mail...
Bill
wrote:
Subject: Goodbyes are so sad
I have been with your site for a long
time Oct or Nov of 1999 or 2000 cant remember exactly the
date you have always been something to look forward to for
jokes excitement videos and all things funny loved your
April fools joke BTW a few years back but i must say good
bye for now I don't know when or if I will be able to see
the site again I'm joining the US ARMY and for at least
8 months will be without Internet but it will be all worth
it I will be firing big missiles at little people ill miss
you and your site with all the fun I have had over the years
I will never forget your site.
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Ciarán
wrote:
Subject: toplessbeachhotness
Greetings. Fantastic site. It's the highlight
of my week when you do your updates. Almost makes work enjoyable
- almost! Enough sucking up. The music playing on the toplessbeachhotness
video is "The Spirit of Summer (Dave Warrin Remix)".
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pete
wrote:
Subject: re funny pic 16/2/06
no wonder the fucktard who posted the
abortion debate photo kept his name witheld. what sort of
sick loser thinks a photo, that claims to show dead
foetuses, is funny? i check your update every week mate
and i must say i enjoy whatever sort of stuff you put on
but mate i really thought that pic would have even been
abit too bad taste for you. don't get me wrong but i'm pretty
sure the majority of viewers to your site would prefer not
having to witness disturbing images of foetuses, babies
or kids. that's just wrong. keep the updates coming dude
and please stick to the stuff you're good at. real humour,
porn, cars etc etc
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Pyry
wrote:
Subject: audi vid
Unless Jeff lives in Pitkävuori,
Jämsä, Finland, where Audi made the two videos,
and has the facts, he don't know squat. 1985, with the
1st Quattro-video in Jyväskylä was made (driver
Harald Demuth, rallychampion), they did use a steel cable
as ensurance. However, celebrating the 20th anniversary
of the Quattro, video
made now was made with 6mm spikes and some sand, but
without any cables. Here
are some stills of making the 2005 version.
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Phil Anderer
wrote:
Subject: torino and footy
I don't understand why the Italian city
the English-speaking world has been calling Turin (after
which the famous shroud of Jesus H. Christ is named) for
ever is suddenly Torino just for the Winter Olympics. Fair
enough, that's what the Eye-ties call it, but does that
mean we're going to be talking about Milano, Roma and Venezia
(where zat?) from now on? I hope Copenhagen doesn't get
the games at any stage, 'cos I know most people are gonna
struggle with the Danish version - Kobenhavn. And another
thing - when talking about the footy codes in Australia,
heaps of dickheads say soccer, rugby and AFL. That last
one stands for Australian Footbal League: it ain't the game,
it's the fucking elite level of the game, which is Australia
Rules Football, so if you feel compelled to use an abbreviation,
try ARF. How many parents say their kids play AFL? Fuck
off!! You never hear anyone say their little son plays NRL
or NBL do you? Course not, it's rugby league and basketball.
As for the Bali Nine... I'll let others crap on about that.
Cop-u-later dude!
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Johnee D'Shea
wrote:
Subject: Axl Rose's New Look
A Homeless man? A Hip-Hop Rapper? A friendly
Fireman? Nope, it's Axl Rose!
Holy crap! Axl got old...!! -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Crazy Muslims
Hey orsm, With all the news lately being
about those crazy muslim kids getting a bit testy over some
cartoons, I got to thinking, instead of rioting in the streets
and making cunts of themselves, why don't they publish their
own offensive religious pics? Here's one to get them started!
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Paul Allen's Yacht
My friend's Mom lives in the Cayman Islands
and it was rumored the (Microsoft) Paul Allen's Yacht was
anchored off the beach about 100 ft. Note the sail boat,
car, speed boat, and helicopter. For all of you non believers
this picture was taken 5 minutes before I sent this. Love
the site!!!
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: my ole lady
been checkin' ya site for years. hope
you like. with hold my info
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B wrote:
Subject: Read the text FIRST!!!
Hi mr Orsm, Just wanted to say thumbs
up mate you have a great site and keep up the good work!!!
I got an email yesterday with the following attachment,
Looks like some poor bastard lost his camera and the person
who found it has passed it on via email in the hope that
the poor guy gets sent his own photo's. Mind you they are
rather nice. hahaha can you please post them up for all
to see.. It would be a shame for so many people to miss
out.
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Alex
wrote:
Subject: Military
It is difficult to comprehend the number
of military aircraft in dead storage until you see these
photographs! Things of interest. 1- The 3rd largest Air
Force in the world is sitting on the ground here. 2- It's
the only unit in the U.S. Air Force that actually makes
a profit.
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Anthony Gatt
wrote:
Subject: Car. Its where all Holden's should end up... minced
Score - Train 1 - Holden VZ SS Police
Pursuit Car Nil. In pursuit of another late model Commodore
suspected of being in a break and enter, Police chased said
Commodore at high speed through a disused rail crossing
only to beach the pursuit car on the tracks. One officer
legged it after the suspects whose car was written off after
landing in a culvit on the other side of the tracks whilst
the remaining officer tried to call the rail control officer
to stop the fast coming coal train he had spotted. To no
avail, the Pacific National coal hauling loco hit the unmanned
Commodore at considerable speed dragging it some distance
down the track. To add insult to injury, the crimes got
away on foot.
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Purefilm
wrote:
Subject: jonbenet dance recital
We've got more... let us know!
Ummm... sure... keep them coming! -Orsm |
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bianca
wrote:
Subject: <kein Betreff>
Hello Mr. Orsm, Good work ..blabla...
long time reader ..blabla... Here is a vid of the erotic-event
"amor" in the capital of Switzerland. They said
it is not permitted to take photos and vids so here is a
scene of the special-live-sexshow, it did me cost around
50 bucks, anyway you can do with this what you like to.
enjoy.. kisses
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A young man moved into a new apartment on his
own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While
there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started
a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it
was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into
a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she
placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,
I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed
the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best
feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's
got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My
ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work
out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes
anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my
ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside,
when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
ORSM
VIDEO
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block
away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine
and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed
Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a
nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's
only for the Mother Superior."? Her voice dropped. "It
helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked
home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary
Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling
around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through
and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine!? For shame!? You told
me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister
Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it
is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a
trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol
also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts,
it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now
be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
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RANDOM SHITE
I've filled this weeks RS with
sweetness and innocence. I mean I don't want to offend or
shock anyone with anything too far out there... or do I...?
I suppose you should check it an see for yourself...
RS
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- RS |
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so
God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that
in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on
the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the
next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came
to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new
policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need
you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I
came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught
my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and
yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was
about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped
on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know
it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he
didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw
at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement
of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost
instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically,
the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel
announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To
the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before
I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when
you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going
to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment
doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so
I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a
little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine but all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well,
of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which
broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face
up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see
this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump
finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy,"
he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump
enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to
the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of
assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he
says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked,
inside a refrigerator..."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but
were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good!"
she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
ORSM
VIDEO
You know what? I'm DONE! Yes
that's a wrap for another week and at this point I can tell you
with some honesty that I am thankful for this. It's been another
killer Thursday and I am in dire need of some serious sleep before
my eyes pop out of my head.
Will I return next week? Well
with next weekend being a public holiday long weekend the thought
may have crossed my mind a few times to shit-can the update and
enjoy a four day break... which would also mean I could slack off
in a very big way from now until the Tuesday after. Of course it
then occurred to me I wouldn't be able to stay off the computer
for that long anyway so to answer the question - yes I will return
next week! In the mean time if you can all do me a show me some
love and spread the word about O-R-S-M-DOT-NET
then I will be forever grateful!
Until next time be good, stay
off the chem's and remember to buy your mum a birthday present before
she cracks the shits with you! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
