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Welcome to Orsm.net. It's never been more fashionable to do drugs.
Howdy Kent, Clint and folks.
It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I'm now in the last throws of my twenties which, when you consider it, is only really just a bunch of numbers and shouldn't mean much. Nothing actually changes right? One day I'll be 29 and the next 30. Will I sprout wings and fly away? No. Am I going to be pulled aside and told secrets that only people in their thirties are privy to? Probably not. Will my hair start falling out? No - I already made a headstart [no pun intended] on that. And most importantly - will I lose my boyish charm?
Nonetheless I can't help but feel the most eagerly anticipated part of my life is now over. I spent so many years looking forward to 'my twenties' and in the blink of an eye they're all over. Sands through the hourglass and all that huh? I'll probably delve into this more over the next three weeks so stay tuned for more poorly formed thoughts...
Moving on to me and my escapades for the week... it goes without saying this section would be completely empty if we relied on my intellect and wit to fill it so me is what you get...
Friday night Football - if there's a better way to start a weekend I don't know about it! We watched the game at a mates brothers 21st birthday party which also just happened to be full of tasty 20-21 year old chicks. One thing I noticed - despite the Eagles kicking arse - is that whilst the girls are pretty much the same as they were when I was 21, the one glaring difference is they all seem to dress like retards now. I have absolutely no idea what the style/fashion is called but there's definitely some ties to maternity wear. Are you pregnant? No? Then jump into something figure-hugging so we can check out your parts.
I slept like a crack baby that night. Last week was such a mega-bitch - this damn website consumed far too much of my life and hours spent sleeping were at an all time low so you'd think by Friday night I would just wipe out and have a solid 8 hours. Uh-uh. I woke up like a zombie the next morning and carried it with me all day. Didn't really matter though - Saturday just sort of blew by. Hit the shops to do groceries then back home to clean the house after the new cleaning lady pulled a no-show. Bitch. Did I mention I wasn't impressed by that? Bitch.
Probably shouldn't have agreed to doing anything Saturday night. A friend floated the idea earlier in the day and I agreed for reasons still unclear to me but, not wanting to be that guy who cancels at the last minute, off I went. Turned out to be good fun though... haven't gone out and just had a couple for aaaages.
Once again any hopes of a solid 8 hours had long been dashed. My sister and her other half had entered in the annual City To Surf marathon... but not the short one - no - the long one... the one that starts WAY earlier. Good for them... they chose to run 21 kilometers but take a guess who gets roped in? ME! 5-fucking-30am wakeup. That's before the sun rises and coincidentally before anyone with half a brain rises too. I did laugh all the way home though... literally 90 seconds after they jumped out of the car the rain came and it came hard. That'll teach em...
It's probably safe to say that this is the miracle update. Completely without prompting, wobbles or warning around midday my PC locked up. Mother fucker of a thing. I've learnt over the years that patience is often preferable to extreme forceful measures so I left it - 5 minutes... 10... 30 minutes... nothing. I couldn't wait any longer so I hit the reset button and took my chances. Of course by doing this I torched a pretty big chunk of unsaved update goodness but it's a Thursday so what else did I expect? Anyway it took a couple of hours, countless reboots and near constant swearing before I traced it to a dicky cable that for no apparent reason had wriggled its way loose. Fucking computers. Anyway lets get on with it shall we. Check it...
Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!
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Doctor said "You've got to stop masturbating". Guy says "Why?". Doctor said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
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A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?" No response. The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?" Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked "Can you talk?" The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count arsehole?!"
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life!" She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, "Sex frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to his barber, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! " "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?," asked the barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
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READER MAIL
So much mail poured into my inbox this week
that I lost over a day going through it all. Crazy. It varied from
stuff that I've seen a million times before, to feedback from you
guy's to some of the stuff you see below. If you've got something
to say or share or just something you think belongs on the site
then drop me a line right here - I'd
love to hear from you!
gridsmasher wrote:
Subject: the dirty gweedos
All those pics you have of the over tanned and spiked haired fags first where did you get the pics and second.... why the HELL are all of them having their lips out all weird in each picture? I'm not a gweedo nor do I live by any cause im poor and they are obviously rich with their fancy bottle of grey goose and fancy clothes. If you have any answers to why they pose like that can you please post them in an update or shoot me an email with an answer. I'm dying to know
Posers... unless I'm missing something? Anyone care to comment? -Orsm
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Olivier wrote:
Subject: Reply to a video...
This is a message to the guy who sent in this "revenge" video showing his ex sucking his dick. Listen, fucktard, it would be revenge if you showed more of the girl and less of you. All we see is her face and your dick. What is more personnal in this? A face, or a dick? Nice job, stupid. Now the whole world knows what your dick looks like. The only thing you've done here is show the whole world that she can suck a dick... and that is a good thing for her. You call that revenge? If you want revenge, show a movie of her masturbating or something ... now THAT would be revenge. |
John wrote:
Subject: Medieval bollocks
The crap about the 1500s was entertaining, but still crap. Don't believe a word.
Love the site, bla bla bla bla (you deserve a fourth bla)
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Dave wrote:
Subject: Lion frenzy
Sup homie. Long time reader here, love your work. That vid you posted with the lions eating the idiot is not quite right in my books, READ: it has HOAX written all over it. I work at Melbourne zoo and although I don't keep the lions I do see em often and have been to Africa once on a big game safari and I can tell you, that vid was a setup, those lions were tame. They were just playin with him, not bringing him down like a wild zebra or wildebeest. Those bad boys go for the neck so he would have been decapitated but instead they were pissing around with his arms while the others were lazing around. I don't think its real, but that's just my opinion.
Have to agree... the whole thing doesn't feel quite real. Particularly how the guy is supposed to be getting mauled yet the amateur camera man is mindful enough to swing around from the action and get shots of the screaming wife and crying baby. -Orsm |
Peter M wrote:
Subject: Number Plate
Pic of a number plate I snapped in Canberra a couple of weeks ago. The guy driving was a grey old bugger who probably had no idea! The kids probably bought the plate for him as a joke! Hope you can use it on your site. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: vomit man on vacation
hey orsm i found this picture on in my auntys stack of pictures from her holiday to melbourne. this guy had vomited all over himself in the male toilets. my aunty and her friend went into the toilets and took pics of him here is one of them i hope it gets posted on ur site. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: BIG Moth
I got this photo off a mate. . . one of the native moths down in Tangguh.....
Ummm... -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Frozen
Have You Ever Seen A Frozen Sea? Cape Town, in South Africa.
Looks cold. -Orsm |
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dale wrote:
Subject: Only In Hobart
Here you go Mr ORSM just to let the rest of the country know that there isnt a drought in tassie |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex girlfriend pictures
Hi Orsm. Love your site and keep up the good work. This bitch broke my heart so here is my revenge. Please hide my info. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: SAPS Firearms Training
Hi Mr. ORSM, Love the site, loads of different stuff to keep anybody amused. Only in the New South Africa is police training so serious, as this is the most dangerous country in the world our police has to be the best, right!?!?!? Ever wonder why crime is so high in the NSA? Here are some photos of how well the police in NSA are trained. You also need to consider that the policeman that come for target practice, do not always have their firearms or magazines as they sell them for money… When “shooting” at the target the police that do have their guns (till they need money for drugs) throw the whole gun at the target. Most of the criminals escape by running away from police who shoot at them. The trick, run in a straight line and they wont hit you... |
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Donny wrote:
Subject: 89 Civic Video
Long time reader, first time writer - love the site. I used to be a big stile fan but it doesn't hit the spot anymore - orsm all the way. I work in post production based here in Sydney and just recently we decided to make a little tribute video to my mates 89 civic. It's just for a laugh with a big shout out to aussie hip hop and all the georges that own sic civics out there, and I thought you would enjoy it. It's on youtube at the moment but if you think it's worth it let me know so i can send you a less compressed version for you to post. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: bj at 75 mph
Just a quick note to let you know how much I enjoy your site. It's the only site I check every week for updates. Here is a short video I shot last weekend while driving on the interstate going 75 mph. There re a lot of pictures she has posted on newbie nudes.com under bj babe. Thanks for you site. |
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Paul wrote:
Subject: Reader submissions
Hi, great site I been on it for years and referring my mates for years. We went for lunch last week at a dodgy little shithole and one of my mates put on a show for us
Gotta be stolen surely? No one could do that to their own car...? -Orsm
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THANKS TO THE INTERNET...
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop being in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up the car.
I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use glad wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me - that's if they don't steal my kidneys too.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a white tailed spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can't ever pick up $10 I dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain petrol companies on certain days!
If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbours ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
ORSM
VIDEO
Our anniversary was last Wednesday. We have been married for 36 years.
I took a look at my wife that day and said, "Honey, 36 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde. Now we have a $250,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big king-size bed and a 50" plasma TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 61 year-old gray-haired woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife, being the a very reasonable woman that she is, told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
THE 7 KINDS OF SEX
SMURF SEX: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
KITCHEN SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
BEDROOM SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
HALLWAY SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "fuck you."
RELIGIOUS SEX: Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
COURTROOM SEX: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least...
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
RANDOM SHITE
There were a few complaints about the content of last weeks RS but hey - its not like I didn't warn you guys. The question now is what have I concocted this week. Extreme wrongness or sweet delight? Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the priest says: "‘I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. But have you actually ever tasted it?" The rabbi says, "To tell the truth, I have, on the odd occasion."
He pauses a moment and then asks back: "And your religion... I know you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest says: "I know what you're going to ask. And yes, I have succumbed once or twice."
There is a long silence. But as the priest tries to look out of the window, the rabbi catches his eye. "You can't," he says, "prefer pork?"
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Sarah."
Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops."
"She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well here we are ladies and gents. I shant crap on aimlessly for ever this week because its been a long one, I'm tired and sort of want to finish up for the day so I'll just cut to the chase...
- Check out the site archives. NOW!
- Next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray pester you all day, every day on MSN claiming he 'made you famous'. When you stop to ask him what the fuck he's on about he'll immediately go all faggish and start saying 'owned' and 'you just got your arse handed to you'. Eventually you'll have had enough and threaten to block him at which point he'll start acting like a normal human being until the next day when it all starts over again...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
