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Welcome to Orsm.net. Ladies... say hello to Mike Hock.
Hi. How are we all? Me good. Next...
So the Olympics are here. I know this because every time I've gone near a TV, radio, newspaper, friend or whatever, there they are. Impossible to escape and it's kind of like everyone cares so long as we're winning medals or someone has dug up a story about something ‘bad' that China did. The reporters covering the games seem almost desperate to catch China out. Like the little girl lip-synching for the ugly one or that the fireworks were pre-recorded and CGI enhanced. Big whoop.
I've been amused by the organisers comments too. Particularly with the smog. Beijing looks like nuclear winter is setting in and they're sticking to the "It's just fog" story. They've obviously been taking lessons from this guy.
Opening ceremony. What can you say? It was big, bright, spectacular, amazing... and totally boring [except for that coordinated thing with the blocks]. I foolishly committed myself to the full 4+ hour bonanza because I wanted to see the Aussies come out [third last] and what the Chinese had come up with to light the flame. That's one Friday night I'll never get back. "Here's some country with two athletes that isn't going to win a medal... and now another one with 500 athletes..." Hopefully the Poms will work out a way to fix that next time around. Limit how many people can march or anything that that reduces the precession [read: monotony] by two hours.
One thing that has impressed me though is the coverage. The camera work and angles have been crazy. Half the time you just about feel like you’re sitting on the kayak or swimming next to Phelps as he takes out another gold. Definitely looking forward to the track and field events.
As for the lighting of the flame. Meh. The slow-motion guy doing a lap was cool but protracted. I still think the best one was Barcelona where the archer got it going with a pot shot followed closely by Sydney where Cathy Quitter lit the water and the cauldron raised up.
Moving on... we took a trip Saturday to watch the cutting of a 100kg [220lb] block of specially imported Provolone [cheese]. I'm not really sure what the whole idea behind it was - apparently the supermarket had been advertising it for a while and the allure of free samples was too much to ignore. Neither could half the Greek and Italian community for that matter. Bubba's and Nona's everywhere trying to get a few kilo's for the family dinner table. And my god was it worth the trip – I don't think I've ever tasted or smelled anything quite so awesome. Even the best fart I've ever done doesn't come close.
With such a huge amount of Italiano goodness it got me wondering how many calves went thirsty to provide us with the pungent bounty. 100kg is what a large man weighs and I envisioned poor little beefs mooing in a paddock somewhere. Eventually this lead me to wonder what other types of milk you can make cheese from. Goat I know but what else? Human maybe? Would it be possible to make cheese from human breast milk? Well turns out that as offensive an idea that is, it has been attempted and thanks to the internet and this sick bitch we can all read about her attempt to whip up a hearty human breast milk paneer. Do not accept a dinner invitation from her. Ever.
Okay let's get this update moving. It is a fucking cracker and we're back to the original format this week after much and many complaints. The people may have spoken but I would prepare yourselves for more changes in the future... or not... if you guys let me I mean. Anyway shut up and check it...
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heaven," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
--
A man, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
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A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"
| XARA DIAZ |
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The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
Guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped in unison.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try!"
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
| HOW THEY UNBEACH A BOAT IN THE BAHAMAS... |
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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?". Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and teacher, "I think Harry can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of hot excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade. Hell, I missed the last four questions myself."
| REMEMBERING ATHENS |
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READER MAIL
Have you submitted today? High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, Ex girllfriend porn, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and send down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: A Message From the Queen
The bit you published titled "A Message From the Queen" has also been posted titled "A Message to America From John Cleese" as well as under a couple of other titles. As an American, I find the piece absolutely hilarious. A few months back, a buddy posted the same on his site, so I penned the following response as "An American Responds to John Cleese." If you find it funny/interesting/bash-worthy enough to publish, please hide my details. I'd hate for the Queen Mum or Mr. Cleese to have to hunt me........ |
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Bridge Collapse
Hey ORSM, hows it going man? Anyway, about that bridge collapse that happened in the US last year. It didnt take place in Mississippi, but in Minnesota. The third pic from the top shows a red SUV that had fallen - it was my friends. He made it out of there without serious injury, and managed to rescue several people from their cars before they went up in flames. He was awarded a medal from the city for his service. I was up in that area when it happened, and for about a week or two afterwards you couldnt drive over, under, or around a bridge without seeing a team of inspectors/engineers giving it an evaluation. Really a tragic situation. |
Craig wrote:
Subject: Near miss
Bad weather in NZ and cops being useless cunts again. Thanks mate. |
Jay wrote:
Subject: fawn
A fawn followed this beagle home -- right through the doggie door -- in the Bittinger Maryland area (Near Deep Creek Maryland). The owner came home to find the visitor had made himself right at home.
Home deer-livery...? Geddit!? BOOM-tsssh. -Orsm
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Disc Drive
saw this one in Reno, CA. Thought you would appreciate................ |
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FoXxIe LaDy wrote:
Subject: Dear Mr Orsm!
Im sending in my pic of my Frakenkitty, She got attacked by a fox which punctured thru her right nose cavity and the vets then had to drain all this shit from the front of her head.. rather funny really!! Thankyou Mr Orsm and keep up the great work Champ! |
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Jez wrote:
Subject: Google SLash
Is this guy having a slash?? |
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< with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic from Singapore
With that poor Aussie c*nt, Peter Lloyd, who got busted in Singapore for possessing ICE, I was out with a mate pissing up at a local bar in Singapore, and we came across this gem. Now that'd be a good holiday! No names or emails pls :) |
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Azaria Chamberlain wrote:
Subject: What's not rght here?
What is not quite right in the attached photos. It's a fuckin bloke. Found it on Myspace but did get the URL - too busy laughing. If I can find the URL I'll send it to you. Apparently it's had the operation. Great tits but look at the face hands and arms!! |
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Al wrote:
Subject: Andes mtns.
Helloooooo ORSM, Thot you might like to post some pics. of the Andes Mtns. near Ayacucho and Huancayo Peru..... Always waiting for Thursday mornings..... KEEP IT UP |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: 410 CI Motorcycle
The Gunbus 410 cubic inch V-Twin motorcycle is complete. The monster engine placed in a motorcycle frame of comparable size looked impossible and many who saw the photos were skeptical of the bike ever being finished but I guess, Clemens F. Leonhardt is one of those persistent guys who ignores the naysayers and keeps at his work. The inch V-Twin runs through a 3 speed transmission with reverse and actually looks pretty good in its finished state compared to the initial photos, in fact, everything looks good. It puts out 523 foot pounds of torque. Seat height is 31.5 inches and overall length is 136 inches. It is a little heavy at 1433 pounds so high speed corner carving might be an issue and there aren't any photos of the big bike on the road so I guess we'll have to wait for the road test, that is if someone can actually road test this monster. This is actually going to go into limited series production and a sidecar will be available as well which might help with balance when waiting at a light. I don't even want to think about a driveway tipover. I think this is great! Now, where's the video? |
Terry wrote:
Subject: WHITE TIGER SWIMMING
These incredible photos of a White Bengal Tiger named Odin. Odin is six years old and 10 feet long from tail to nose. Odin lives at a Zoo in Vallejo, California, near San Francisco. Odin was hand-raised at the zoo. And after he was weaned, his British trainer Lee Munro discovered his remarkable skill. 'He makes a funny face - and it's actually to close his nostrils to stop the water from going into his nose.' Not all big cats enjoy the water but for Tigers from the hot climate of South-East Asia it's one way to cool down. White tigers are the most rare. They get their whitecolor from an unusual and extremely rare genetic combination. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Qantas pictures....
Ooops. -Orsm |
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Ryan wrote:
Subject: Africa is no place for sissies
Hey Mr. Orsm, Another confrontation of the wild kind from the African continent. Keep up the great work!!!!
See what happens when you give someone shit about having big ears...? -Orsm
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privatxx wrote:
Subject: good gumshot
hallo mr.orsm. werry good gumshot on the beach. you like ??
Looks like fun... -Orsm
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B Robbins wrote:
Subject: Flames
Dude. Clip of my R1 on the dyno... flame action.
Nice bike. Do they make them for men? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Something for ORSM
Mate, been a fan since 2000 and I finally have a contribution to make! The Western Greys have been breeding up faster than the cullers can get to them. Vicious bastards too.... so sometimes matters just have to be taken into hand.... Please withhold details blah blah blah. Cheers
Not cool. -Orsm
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12 LEAST KNOWN TEACHINGS OF SCIENTOLOGY
1. Scientologist doctors recommend that all Thetan's who want to be clear and disease free undergo a regimen of proper auditing and constant expulsion of liquid assets of at least $300,000 in order to drain completely their minds (and bank accounts).
2. A Tribble is a Thetan that seeks to obtain OT III level status by foregoing shaving. Notable Tribble's who have donned beards include Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson), Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
3. Xenu is the name given for the cruel galactic ruler who banished Thetan's to earth some 75 million years ago. His anger was fuelled in part because his parents favoured his younger brother Zima's clear behaviour.
4. L. Ron Hubbard wrote Dianetic's during prolonged periods of isolation when Mother Hubbard forced him to sleep in a bare cupboard.
5. Despite what the National Mental Health Association says, Scientologists were NOT distributing booklets at Ground Zero. They were passing out pamphlets. Are we all clear now?
6. Scientologists can only watch porn videos if they contain multiple money shots.
7. The origin of the WWJD phenomenon was the Scientology acronym WWRD or "Who Would Ron Destroy?" Scientologist leaders deploy this acronym whenever they need to tap into their late leader's discernment powers so they can assess the most appropriate method of attacking a traitor or critic of the movement.
8. Christ was a myth fabricated by space aliens to deceive Man from realising his true nature. In reality, he was a cabbie in Nazareth (Operating Thetan VIII).
9. Despite the claims of the U.S. Government, L. Ron Hubbard was not an embarrassment to the U.S. Navy. He never dropped anti-submarine torpedoes on an empty piece of ocean, and did not conduct target practice on a stretch of land that turned out to be Mexico.
10. Scientology is the No. 1 religion in the world, as it holds the current world record for filing more lawsuits in one single day than many churches have filed in their entire histories.
11. Not even constant auditing can guarantee the resurrection of Kirstie Alley, Juliette Lewis, and Mimi Rogers's acting careers.
12. Scientology receives "only" the same tax-exempt status as any other religion. The IRS granted this exemption after church leaders agreed to contribute unlimited auditing services.
ORSM
VIDEO
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
| DEVON ROCKS MY WORLD |
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have Praise." Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.'"
ORSM
VIDEO
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Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles ups the road. Having a party Friday night thought you might like to come... about 5:00." "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
RANDOM SHITE
Turns out you guys did NOT like the change to RS format last week. Told you so and the "if it aint broke..." responses were overwhelming - literally a few hundred emails complaining compared to about three in favour. To make up for this error I promise you some very nasty, very random goodies. Check it...
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy - once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
| SELF SHOT |
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A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1,000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay I'm pretty much toasted so let's wrap this bad boy up and cut to the outro...
- Check out the site archives. I know you want to. You know you want to. What's the problem?
- Next update will be in 10,080 minutes.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will secretly film your mum enjoying multiple orgasms provided by his skilful tongue and soft, sensual touch before submitting the clip to Reader Mail. In other words unless you really want to see your mum cum and squirt then you should get busy spreading the Orsm word.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
